The Ukip cookbook guides you through the minefield that is what to eat as a Ukip supporter.

Really fancy a croissant for breakfast? No! You can’t! Replace that pathetic EU-subsidised excuse of a breakfast with a full English, and if you’d forgotten how to cook one, just use grease!

Comedy writers James Harris and Mark Blakewill have worked together to produce a hilarious unofficial Ukip cookbook that isn’t actually a cookbook at all.

The book instead takes a satirical look at the political party continuously hitting the headlines.

Released under the fictitious character Nigel Sewage, the comedy writers have previously worked on Horrible Histories and Russell Howard’s Good News.

The tongue in cheek book is written from “the perspective of a UKIP-supporting, Europe-hating Little Englander”.

The writers explained: “Not only is the book a backhanded compliment to foreign food, it’s also an opportunity to laugh at the severe limitations of British cuisine.”

Featuring vetoed food items such as taramasalata and pizza, the book recommends a British alternative, including a Scotch egg and a Ploughman’s lunch. The comedic writings use the book to poke a little bit of fun at the views of Ukip and its supporters.

The comedy duo raised funds for the project on Kickstarter and say that the book is an ideal gift for someone who doesn’t hate being part of a multicultural society within Europe.

A tiny spud that has been passed down through family members for 60 years has been declared as the world’s oldest ever potato.

Deborah Skipper’s gran – Alice Hancock – initially kept the potato as a good luck charm, and then passed it down to her son, Alan.

In 2004, Alan gave the tater to his daughter Deborah, 58, who has kept it ever since.

The family heirloom, which is now around the size of a penny, has survived for six decades.

Although initially quite a small potato, time has taken its toll, leading to it shrinking down to its current state.

Deborah said that she had known of the aging potato’s existence even at childhood, as her gran used to carry it around with her everywhere she went, first in her apron and later in her purse sat alongside a horseshoe charm.

She explained: “Nan kept it as it was part of a very good crop in the vegetable garden that year.

“She was very superstitious and saw it as a good luck charm for the future.”

She added that she would look after the treasured petite vegetable as her gran once did, until it was time to hand down the family heirloom and lucky charm to her daughter, Gemma.

Have you ever looked at Jennifer Lawrence and thought to yourself ‘she looks good enough to eat’?

Well one lady has, but rather than dismiss this as a fleeting thought, she went to the extreme of making her thoughts a reality, baking a life-sized Jennifer Lawrence cake.

The to scale creation is the brainchild of British baker Lara Clark, 28.

No stranger to larger than life baking, Ms Clark is known around the world for her Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow cake, which made headlines last year.

She entered the 5 ft 5 in crisped rice cake to the Cake International event, and won herself the top prize in the decorative exhibit contest.

And this year she has gone one better, not only creating a 5 ft 10 in Jennifer Lawrence as Katniss Everdeen from Hunger Games sponge cake but also a second offering depicting Game of Thrones character Tyrion Lannister.

The 28-year-old said: “People said my crisped rice Johnny Depp cake wasn’t a proper cake, so I wanted to show them I could make a life-sized sponge cake.”

The creations took two and a half months to complete, but Ms Clark was rewarded for her efforts, taking first and second place in the competition.

Ms Clarke said the win was “hugely exciting”, but that she would now need “long lie down”, the BBC reported.

Phwoar! Now that’s a sexy pasty…
Copyright: David Johnson

Howard Russell, a 32-year-old sales manager from Cheshire, is planning to sue the high street bakery chain Greggs for negligence. Why? Because it failed to warn him about the dangers of putting your penis inside one of its pasties… of course.

There are a lot of Britons who love pasties but Mr Russell probably loves them a bit more than the average punter. However, for anyone who shares his romantic zeal for a chicken bake, heed this lesson: when trying to consummate a relationship with a freshly baked savoury snack, beware that it can burn your more sensitive nether regions.

Speaking to the Sunday Sport, the pasty-poker explained that he has a weird sexual fetish involving Greggs’ chicken bakes (I know, why not a sausage roll, right?!). Obviously, Mr Russell is not some sort of uncouth sex fiend – he waits until he gets home before reheating his tasty treat and doing to the deed.

Unfortunately the dangers of a steaming hot ‘meat-filled’ pastry parcel were not properly explained to Mr Russell and as a result the tip of his member was sorely burnt. He is reported as telling the paper: “That, to me, is a clear case of negligence and I intend to sue.

“I ran my helmet under cold water straight away but I’m still in agony and can barely walk. It’s covered in blisters. I may never be able to have sex with a pasty again.

“I made a phone call to one of those solicitors who advertise on the telly but unfortunately the person on the end of the phone had some sort of coughing fit when I explained my predicament.”

Real or a hoax, you decide. Either way, how successful this ludicrous legal action will be is yet to be seen.

A basketful of potential inhabitants of the house.

A new Guinness World Record has been set by a group of volunteers in Texas, who have worked together to create the largest gingerbread house in the world in order to raise money for charity.

The 21-foot high gingerbread house, located in Bryan, Texas, was constructed by the Traditions Club close to Texas A&M University, with all profits from paying visitors to the house going towards a trauma center at the local St Joseph’s Hospital.

The house has an edible exterior mounted over a wooden frame and covers an area almost the size of a tennis court. To make the house, 816kg of butter, 7,200 eggs, 3,265kg of flour and almost 1,360kg of brown sugar was used, and the structure was then decorated using 22,304 pieces of donated hard candy.

Estimates put the calorie count of the house at almost 36 million calories. “We think big around here and we are competitive,” Bill Horton, general manager of the Traditions Club, told local newspaper reports.

The builders have had one problem with the giant gingerbread house though, as Mr Horton explains: “One problem we did not anticipate was bees on warm days. They have been coming over, getting so much sugar and stumbling around like they are drunk. But no one has gotten stung,” he added.