Phwoar! Now that’s a sexy pasty…
Copyright: David Johnson

Howard Russell, a 32-year-old sales manager from Cheshire, is planning to sue the high street bakery chain Greggs for negligence. Why? Because it failed to warn him about the dangers of putting your penis inside one of its pasties… of course.

There are a lot of Britons who love pasties but Mr Russell probably loves them a bit more than the average punter. However, for anyone who shares his romantic zeal for a chicken bake, heed this lesson: when trying to consummate a relationship with a freshly baked savoury snack, beware that it can burn your more sensitive nether regions.

Speaking to the Sunday Sport, the pasty-poker explained that he has a weird sexual fetish involving Greggs’ chicken bakes (I know, why not a sausage roll, right?!). Obviously, Mr Russell is not some sort of uncouth sex fiend – he waits until he gets home before reheating his tasty treat and doing to the deed.

Unfortunately the dangers of a steaming hot ‘meat-filled’ pastry parcel were not properly explained to Mr Russell and as a result the tip of his member was sorely burnt. He is reported as telling the paper: “That, to me, is a clear case of negligence and I intend to sue.

“I ran my helmet under cold water straight away but I’m still in agony and can barely walk. It’s covered in blisters. I may never be able to have sex with a pasty again.

“I made a phone call to one of those solicitors who advertise on the telly but unfortunately the person on the end of the phone had some sort of coughing fit when I explained my predicament.”

Real or a hoax, you decide. Either way, how successful this ludicrous legal action will be is yet to be seen.